It wasn’t until my 3rd child that I discovered what was going on with me. The intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideations came to a head in January 2014, when my 3rd was 5 months old. It got so bad I made a plan to take my life. Thankfully, miracles happened that day and I didn’t go forward with anything. I finally broke and told my husband everything.
I had been having these thoughts and feelings since my first was born almost 5 years earlier. I was terrified to say anything because I was so convinced my children would be taken from me, my husband would leave me and my worst fears confirmed; that I was a terrible mother and a burden to everyone.
No one talked about the uncontrollable, terrifying rage that can hit at any moment. I hid it so well out in public, but home was a different story. Anything and everything could set me off. I felt like the monster those intrusive thoughts were telling me I was.
But I got help. I saw a therapist, got medication and put in a lot of work to kick this ugly, soul stealing disorder to the curb.
And here I am on the other side. Finding the joy in life and in my four wonderful children.